


Taako Makes People Super Horny and Want to Give Him Lots of Money

by FriendshipCastle



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Pre-Canon, T for swears and sextalk, and I love introspection, boy I love making headcanons for how these boys got their start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 07:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10381704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendshipCastle/pseuds/FriendshipCastle
Summary: How Taako gets his big break on TV.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Allusions to past sex work. No particular trauma is described and it's not explicit, it’s just good business to pick up every now and then as far as Taako’s concerned. Also there’s some fantasy racism.

As he gathered a bunch of tiny sticks and pinecones and shit to start a cooking fire, Taako took a brief moment of self-reflection. Traveling was kind of the greatest thing. Everything was changing. New people all the time, new jobs, new sights and sounds and smells, new recipes. It sucked in a lot of ways—namely that Taako was expected to do the job they hired him for—but there was no other way to live. Small town life wouldn’t do for an elf of his caliber. He had a higher calling, and it was to get super famous for being an amazing cook and wizard. He was studying up on transmutation spells and he was kicking ass with all the new recipes he was trying out on the wagon trains that hired him, so that was a big gold star on the road to fortune and fame. 

The secondary higher calling was to get lots of money and lots of dudes all up in his business in a highly satisfactory way. He was doing all right with that goal.

Taako’s introspection ended there. His goals for the evening were to make the wagon train he’d been hired to cook for dinner, and maybe get to second base with that one human guard whatsisname, Vinny or something? 

Self-analysis wasn’t really Taako’s thing. He had ambition, but those ambitions did require (groan) work and dedication. It didn’t hurt to double-check his progress every couple months with a little goal progress chart. All he needed was an opportunity to put his beautiful face and his awesome magic and his dope kitchen skills in front of a patron and he’d be set.

What he _didn’t_ need to do was question why he made people so horny. Because of course he did. And that was great and fun and when Taako cam back with his load of kindling he found that Probably Vinny was shaving with his shirt off, which Taako was very much into. The dude had some nice, lean muscles for a human.

“Hey,” he said. “Guy, what’s your name?”

Probably Vinny said his actual name. Taako kept an eye on the shaving cream sliding down Vinny’s Adam’s apple and smiled in a way he’d practiced. It was crooked and involved the use of a little, darting hint of tongue at his bottom lip. He blinked very slowly before bringing his gaze back up.

Probably Not Vinny swallowed hard. That had been the end goal. Taako allowed himself a mental celebration with streamers and a sweet dance break and said, “Cool. Listen, we should make out. You have ten minutes, right?”

This guy blushed. It was even better than the nervous swallow thing. Taako raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the side, still smiling. “Yes? Super yes? Check a box, my man.”

It was gratifying that the guy immediately wiped off his face and stood up. It was less gratifying that he looked around and said, “Uh. Is over there…?” as he gestured off towards the woods.

Taako sighed. “Yeah, okay, whatever.”

“It’s just, PDA is kind of… frowned upon by—”

“I said whatever. You got chapstick on?”

“Huh? Oh, yep.”

“The beeswax kind?”

“Yes?”

Taako tsk’d. “Nope, uh-uh, wipe it off. I got sensitive lips and I don’t need that tingling, burning feeling. I’m a delicate flower and shit.”

“Oh, sorry.” Not Vinny wiped at his face again and followed as Taako stomped into the forest.

“I don’t know why you’re so shifty being seen making out with a fantastical, ethereal, sexy elf,” Taako grumbled. “I got shit to do, I don’t wanna take a fuckin’ nature walk every time I feel like necking. You can just say no.”

“Um, well, Matsu’s kind of… traditional,” Not Vinny said. 

“Who?”

Not Vinny took a step back as Taako whipped around. “She’s the head guard? Who hired me? Elf, no hair, taller than you, could kick me through a wall?”

“Oh, she’s one of those ‘don’t mix with humans’ elves,” Taako said. He considered worrying about fraternization between two different races for a half-second, then crowded Not Vinny up against a tree and took a little time to work on his make-out technique.

 

____________

 

Taako, in his travels, had encountered quite a few people who would brag about their sexual abilities. They usually did this while giving Taako the side-eye, which was flattering but also… Taako normally wasn’t honest with anyone, but if he could be honest with himself, then who else could he trust? So he'd asked himself: What the hell did it take to be ‘awesome at sex’? 

Back when he’d first heard a guy boasting about it, it had thrown him. After ten minutes pondering this deep question, Taako had decided quantity would help. He was already past twenty at that point and he’d have to start somewhere if he wanted to use that brag later on. Getting an early start wasn’t a bad idea.

That had been a little over thirty years ago and he considered all of those intervening years to be extremely well-spent in terms of boning, but the biggest lesson he’d learned was that there was a lot of fun stuff to do besides full-on boning. It also was a lot more fun if he didn’t just skip to the pants-around-ankles, bent-over-a-stack-of-boxes, yelling-into-a-bag-of-turnips stage of the relationship. You could really draw out your time with a guy out if you waited. Taako had learned to really savor sexual tension, the energy that came from not knowing when someone would end up bent over and swearing into the nearest muffling object. It was a somewhat disappointing fact that, since Taako was by nature a nomad, he’d had sex in a bed all of four times in his life but hey, he had a lot more time to find beds and have sex in them. Patience was important.

Not Vinny was probably not going to make it to the full monty, unfortunately for the human. Taako had stepped into the nearest bar with the rest of the caravan when they stopped for the night at a decent-sized town and the best-dressed half-human guy in the building had already stared at Taako’s ass, sent him a free drink, and winked at him. This was no effort at all. Fancy Half-Man would probably even take charge during sex so Taako didn’t have to put in any work; it was perfect.

Taako finished his cocktail, twirled the little umbrella between his thumb and middle finger, and cocked his head at Fancy Half-Man.

That was all it took. The guy fast-walked from his corner table and leaned his elbows on the bar next to Taako. “Hi there. Just passing through?’

It was too bad that he was less attractive up close. Thin lips, thin nose, too many cheekbones… Taako lost interest in banging, but getting some sexual tension money out of this guy was a distinct possibility. “Yep, I’m with the caravan.” 

"Ah."

It was some higher instinct, perhaps altered by his earlier goal check-in, that made Taako add, “Cooking some of the best food these chucklefucks will ever taste, not that they realize it yet.”

The man’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? You cook?”

“Oh, more than that. I am a chef, darling,” Taako said, smiling at the man’s clear interest. “It’s an artistry thing.”

“Wow.” Fancy Half-Man looked impressed.

Taako’s smile grew. He could see the shape of the next few moments with this wealthy, awe-struck half-human dude and his heart was already starting to race. Potential patronage was right here, gazing up at him in a slightly cross-eyed expression of wonder. “Listen,” he said carefully, “I mean, I have a lot of flair and a lot going for me looks-wise, and I’m working on adding some magic into my repertoire, take my bomb-ass recipes on the road. I have that star quality, you know?”

Fancy Half-Man nodded slowly. His eyebrows were starting to creep together, though. He wasn’t staring up at Taako anymore, instead looking for the barkeep to take his order. A bad sign. Bad charisma roll. Taako’s heart sped up even more.

Suddenly, the guy was in Taako’s lap, knocking the wind out of both of them. Taako almost impaled him with the little drinks umbrella.

“Ugh,” said the elf woman who had bumped him. She was taller, balder, and much, much buffer than Taako. Her lip was curled as she stared down at Taako and Fancy. “ _A’Tel’Quessir? lle karnela ner en’ sen?_ ”

“First of all, gross,” Taako said. “Procreating’s not on the ol’ agenda. B, I literally just met the guy. Fourth, I was warned about you; Matsu, yeah?”

“Who warned you about me?” The scorn in her voice was piled on like seven distinct layers of— Why did that feel important? What were the seven layers? 

Taako shook his head and heaved Fancy off his lap. “Doesn’t matter. They said you were pretty fucked up about half-humans, though. What’s great is, this is not your business! At all! Awesome, hmm? See you when we move out in the morning because I’m not on the clock right now and I can chill with whoever I want.” He smiled. It wasn’t one of his pretty smiles.

Matsu’s lip curled. “Disgusting.”

“Great, cool, thanks!” Taako said. He slid off his stool and hooked an arm around Fancy and waited, ears twitching, until she was almost out of earshot before he stage-whispered, “Must feel great, sitting all alone with a big stick labelled ‘bigot’ crammed up your ass.” 

Fancy was pretty drunk, that was obvious in the giggling that Taako’s rather lame insult had elicited. His giggles spread to a few other people, though. That wasn’t good. She’d have her pride. Elves, in Taako’s uncomfortable experience with his own race, always came back to their pride as something worth fighting for. Or killing for. Or, worst of all, abandoning an employee after kicking his ass for.

It had taken months to grow his hair back out to a fun length again. 

Taako beat a hasty retreat out of the bar portion of the inn and into the mud room, bringing Fancy with him. “So listen, dude, it sucks that it went so south there. Nice to chat with you, though.”

“We could keep chatting,” Fancy suggested. Now that they were out of Matsu’s sight, he resisted Taako’s urgent shoving and brought their progress to a standstill. “I’m intrigued by this cooking thing you’re into.”

“Oh yeah? Well I’m glad I enticed you but my place is a little hostile right now, not the best vibes for business pitches if you know what—”

“We could just get a room here and save ourselves a walk to my place.”

Taako caught himself grimacing and turned it into a grin. “Mmm, you got it, babe. I gotta go, uh, grab some coin to pay my part of it, though, so just give me a—“

“Oh, I can pay for it,” Fancy said. He pulled out a gold piece and peered around. “Do you know where the innkeeper is?”

Taako realized he’d stopped breathing in the face of that much money. He blinked himself back to Sexy and Unruffled Taako and said, “Yeah, okay, nice. Um.” It wasn’t like he hadn’t done this before, of course. He made people super horny and then they wanted to give him all their money; it was a common theme in his life. There was a logical step to get from Feeling A to Payment C and Taako didn’t have an issue with that step. Matsu’s shitty comments had thrown him, that was all. He could get in a business frame of mind, especially for someone who flashed gold like it wasn’t a big thing.

“Heya,” Fancy called out into the depths of the inn. “Can I get a room? Please?”

 

____________

 

It was unclear how Taako had managed to convince Fancy that strip-elevator pitch was a real game, but somehow Taako found himself saying. “All right, so for every improvement you can make on my idea, smart business dude like yourself, I’ll take off a piece of clothing. Sound tasty?”

“Definitely,” Fancy said. And then he listened in silence while Taako articulated his dream. He’d had a lot of time to plan out the show, the equipment needs, everything. It was a very thorough pitch. At the end of it, Taako was still fully-clothed and Fancy’s eyes were gleaming.

“That whole plan is incredible,” Fancy said.

Taako smiled a confident, winning smile. “Of course it does! Nothin’ but the best from ja boi, you know.”

“You’d need a roadie,” Fancy continued. 

“Oh.” Taako started toeing off a boot. “I guess that—“

“Ah, no no no,” Fancy said. “Shoes don’t count.”

Taako raised an eyebrow but shrugged his vest off. “Fair.”

“What kind of advertising were you thinking?”

“Oh, well.” Taako hadn’t considered anything necessary beyond his own lovely face and winning attitude, but he thought fast. “T-shirts, my dude. And posters. Word of mouth is the best advertising, though, everyone knows that little gem. That little secret. It’s not the Secret of course, but it’s a—“

“Okay, but how about ways to fund it beyond me? I mean, beyond a patron?” Fancy said.

Taako felt a little light-headed with hope. “Hm?”

“Would you get some corporate sponsorships?”

“Uh, I don’t know.”

“Like, you use a particular knife from a particular armorer and let people know where you got it. He gives you free knives and pays for advertising his work. Or an armorer makes you some pans and you tell everyone where she works. And get some donated ingredients in exchange for plugging local farms.”

“…Yeah, that’s good,” Taako admitted. He tried to keep the sullen out of his voice, but he didn’t try too hard. Fancy’s eyes were on him but his mind was miles away. Taako snuck a sock off. Fancy didn’t complain.

“I like this,” Fancy said. He refocused on Taako and gave him a slow blink and a head-to-toe stare that was less seductive and more appraising. 

“Oh yeah, you like all’a this?” Taako struck a pose and winked winningly. He knew it was a winning wink because he’d practiced it. It almost made a sound like beautiful bells when it happened, that’s how winning it was.

Fancy smiled absently. It was more of a polite gesture than anything else. “Sure. It’s what people like to see.”

Taako was extremely glad he hadn’t taken his pants off as the second item of clothing. Or his shirt. He had pretty great self-esteem but being looked at like he was meat instead of some sexy thang was never pleasant, and the more layers the better if someone wasn’t in a place to appreciate his hot bod.

“I believe you, you know,” Fancy continued. 

“ ‘bout what, bubbeleh?”

“That you have star quality. Elves tend to, if they ever wind up realizing how much all the other races idolize them. And you seem like the kind of elf to make it work for you.”

“I have so far!” Taako sang.

“Yes. I figured as much. You’re pretty persistent. And I appreciate that you’re not as, mm, close=minded as your fellow elf back there.”

“Who? Oh, right. Yeah, well, the world’s, uh, it’s a big place and I’ve met most of the people in it, I feel like, and everyone’s all kinda the same when you get down to it,” Taako said. He did not clarify that he felt like he’d worked with every kind of bastard and asshole and saint and angel and monster in sheep’s clothing that existed in Faerun. He did not clarify that he did not consider himself part of ‘everyone.’ Taako was a league unto his own. He could spin a story however he wanted to. Even if he was spinning the story to himself.

“I appreciate that outlook,” Fancy said. “I’ve faced some rather… weird reactions to my parentage over the years.”

“Sorry, man. That sucks.”

“Indeed.” Fancy clapped his palms on his thighs with an air of finality. “Well! Mister Taako, I like you.”

Taako couldn’t suppress a bitter smirk, but did manage to turn it into a kind of a wink after the initial split second of his mouth twisting down. 

Fancy didn’t notice. He continued: “I would like to sponsor this project of yours. Help you get your show on the road, as it were. Do you have an idea for the name?”

Taako froze for just a split second. He had a dozen names it could be. He had at least five different ways of framing his pitch, three personas he could use, and plans for recipes that spanned eight notebooks. It was solidifying now, though. He would have to pick, and it would have to appeal to this patron and still be _Taako_. There was no way Taako was going to sacrifice his own perfect vision on the alter of good television creation. 

Taako took a breath, swept up his vest from where he’d draped it over a chair, swung it on, and announced, “I call it _Sizzle It Up! with Taako_.”

Fancy’s smile broke out into a huge grin. “I love it already.”

“Oh, honey, you absolutely will love it down the line, too. I got merch potential and everything. So, you wanna talk contracts? Can I put my sock back on? I’ll put my sock back on.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m allergic to 95% of lip balms and chapsticks, it’s a real fun good time for me when seasons change. Burt’s Bees burns like none other.
> 
> Matsu means long-living pine trees in Japanese and I thought it was a damn good elf name and I'm proud of it.
> 
> Half-elves/half-humans could probably be considered heterotic, in that offspring improve on their parents’ qualities? They’re probably interspecific hybrids but can have kids, I am not up on fantasy genetics within DnD. I’ve been wiki-ing for another TAZ fic I’ll probably never post that involves every DnD race you can be and some you might not be able to play as (unless you’re the DM) and I found some info about how the races feel about each other and it ain’t always good so. Fantasy racism.
> 
> The Elvish is… a thing. It should be the term for half-elves/half-humans and then Matsu asks something along the lines of ‘You make love for more of these?” with really bad grammar and a lot of implied subjects and objects. I shot for ‘Are you planning on making more half-humans?’ but no glossary I found online had little words like ‘are,’ ’do you’ or, somehow, ‘plan,’ so I did the best I could and tried to make it rude and crude. Please don't put it through a translator, I have no idea what would come out. I tried to make it clear what she was saying by Taako's response, anyway.


End file.
